Season 1 Episode 10
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Hello Everyone!! Welcome back to another episode of Grapholistic Podcast. The pod all about handwritings and characters analysis. I am your podcaster, Sulianah.
In this episode, I will cover the last step in developing your communication skills that is how to be an effective listener.
Why being a good listener is important in your day-to-day communication with people?
Listening is the main point source for you to gain more knowledge about the person you are talking to. Knowing about them, what they had shared with you will make you move one step further in creating a social connection. Yes, being a good speaker to talk to people is important but without a solid listening skill, how can your relationship and communication with the other person you are with be a two-way communication? And most importantly is that if you are not being a good listener, the words you listened to would be misinterpreted by you. And when it is time for you to share the information to pass down to another person, the story could be totally different from the actual which then will be like a mere gossip, rumour and leads to misunderstandings.
Listening skills that I am talking about here would be more to social communication between you and your friends, family members, colleagues, and acquaintances. When I said listen it means that if you are told to summarize what the person just said, you could do it including using the correct tone of voice that fits the same meaning as the message that you received. The points I will share are the basics to set you to make the first few steps.
What are the easiest ways to start building the foundation of your listening skills?
Firstly, identify what is your current position. Are you the type of person who does listen to others or the one who usually do the talking? Even if you do the talking, when it is your turn to keep quiet and listen to the other person, do you listen or you kept interrupting or you just blanked out because it is not important to you? So, the first step is to observe your current status.
Secondly, if you find yourself not able to listen to others speak, find out why. Is it because you have issues understanding the language? Is it because of your concentration level? It could also be your ego and arrogance that is preventing you from listening to what others has to say because for you their experiences might not mean anything in comparison to yours. Or it could be because of other reasons. In this case, you have to know the root cause of why you are unable to listen effectively.
The third point is to sharpen your listening skills. These are some ways that I had learnt by myself over the years. One of them is by learning to listen to song lyrics in music. Usually what I did was when I listened to new songs, what I did for my first take is to capture the lyrics sang by the artists. It should be easy to capture those if you are able to understand through their accents or sometimes they purposely changed the pronunciation to fit the melody. After that, listen to it again but this time check the lyrics. This could be on the 3rd or the 4th listen. This method can also be applied when you watch movies and interviews without reading the subtitles.
The fourth point is when you are in a social setting, educate yourself consciously, be present. During those time, when someone is speaking to you sharing about their stories, learn to listen. When you have something to say while a person is talking to you, tell yourself to shut it off first. Let the person speaks, you on the other hand - listen and understand what she is trying to say. If it is a discussion, give a pause before you add in your view. If you don’t agree, say something like “I get what you meant from your perspective.” Then, you can add in your views or ideas. Also remember that sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you have to share your opinion or perspective in a discussion. Sometimes being quiet is fine. You have to learn to read the room whether it is suitable for you to say anything out loud. When your instinct tells you to keep quiet and stops you from saying something, listen to yourself. Because most of the time, your instinct is right to tell you to keep it cool. This is one of the socializing survival kits that you have to have by default if not you have to train yourself.
Moving on from the basics ways to sharpen your listening skills, how can you be an effective listener which reflects your personality not only as a friend but as an employee or employer or a partner?
Firstly, be present. Be attentive and show compassion when you are there to listen. If a friend or someone you know is not in a good situation, if you don’t know what to do to help, listen first then after that you can find out how to help that person.
Also, one more thing I need to add in this is please keep it to yourself and do not share with another friend especially mutual friends. The reason is because a person sometimes confides in you sharing about their concerns or stories is because they feel comfortable when they speak to you out loud about their problems so, you have to hold that honour and not to be that person who spreads stories around. I have no choice but to highlight this is because in the real world and what I had observed is that in many conflicts doesn’t matter at which phase of your life, in school, at work or even in family, once people pass information from one person to another person, it destroys relationship especially when the tone of voice changes. And you definitely will agree that tone of voice has direct correlation with the message.
The next point is another factor you should take into account which is, don’t add in your story to their story. For instance, you asked your friend to tell the story on why she just left the company she has been working for a decade. So, your friend shared with you her reasons, and her plans after that which is to run her own companies full-time or continue her studies full-time. After she finishes, instead of responding with assurance or congratulations, you replied with, “Oh I want to do the same but I couldn’t because I am stuck with my company and if I want to do maybe at a later stage”. What was that? Do you have to give your perspectives on a conversation like that? Should you insert in your own story for comparisons? No, you should not. And if you are doing it, learn to stop doing that. When you asked someone to tell a story and they did not asked you for your opinion. Keep it to yourself. This time is about her or him not you. If you have your own story in mind, you can share it some other time or with some other people if you cannot hold yourself. You had and will have another opportunities to say it. Show respect to the other person.
The third point is learn to also be self-aware of who you speak to and the kind of person you speak to. Their background, the way they speak to you, who they are, their occupation. Fit your style of communication with what you observed and based on what you listened. Remember that listening is not only about the contents of the conversations. Learn to listen to tone of voice, the hidden meaning if any, indirect comments, sarcasms, body language and any other aspects.
The next point is while you are telling your story, learn to also be attentive to observe the other person’s body language. Listen to their body language. It is a response to the message you are delivering. If you talk to a person, firstly make sure they are having eye contact with you. For instance, when you are sharing your ideas at work and your boss is busy typing his proposal and doing something and not looking at you, please stop. Don’t waste time talking to him. You can either immediately stop talking, or you can say to him “Seems like you are busy. I will come back later when you are available to have a discussion.”
If you are talking to a friend, if he or she is not looking at you most of the time or she kept checking her phone, you can learn to stop immediately or cut the conversation to the end. The things you are saying is not valuable to them but to you it is important. Save it for others who wants to listen.
So, if you are the type of person who talks so much then this is also a good point for you to learn and be aware of the feedbacks especially body language. Doesn’t matter what type of category of personality you are or the type of person you are, you have to learn when to stop talking. Do not give yourself excuses that you cannot. We all come from the same origins for sure you can adapt to situations and not giving excuses that you are that type of person or you are not that type of person. When it comes to respecting others, there is no leeway.
So, when you talk a lot, be attentive to body language of a person you are speaking to. They could be very tired listening to only you talking. This can be seen when they fidget too much or their eyes are already on somewhere else in the room other than you. When their feet or body is pointing towards the exit, those are some signs that you should know and learn to stop talking.
I used to have an ex-colleague from the company’s sales department who talks a lot. If you read Thomas Erikson’s book surrounded by Idiots and Psychopaths, this ex-colleague of mine is in the Yellow category. Every time he talked, he will talked non-stop. At first I can manage to listen to him and casually respond to him. But then, gradually, when I realized that his vessels are empty I decided to change my style whenever he had conversation with me. I will turn only half of my posture to him whenever he comes into my room to tell me something. And I will make sure my hands are on my keyboard and my chair directing towards my computer instead of him. When he tells me something, I will only replied, with “Okay. Noted. Got it.” No more questions. He will leave in less than 2 minutes in comparison to 30 to 60 minutes in my room. So for instance, if you encounter with similar situations in your workplace or your personal conversations with people, you have to know the basics in communication. And then play around with it according to the settings you are in.
Same goes to the earlier example when your friend inserted her story while you are sharing yours. You can stop them and say “I am telling my story which you wanted to know. So, this is about me not you. Please let me finish”. Usually I will go with compromising and be nice but when I noticed that the individuals will not listen to themselves, I will be honest to them. I have heard stories of people sharing about how their friends don’t listen to them or refused to acknowledge them or gaslighting. And for sure this will affect your personal happiness and self-esteem and even relationship with the person. Just remember one thing, focus on your instinct and what it tells you about your comfort level with the individuals. You can change yourself but you do not have control to tell others to change. So, decide based on what you think is right for you and keep moving forward.
And lastly, keep this in mind. The formula for you as a listener, let me say as an effective compassionate listener. Listen with compassion + respect the other party who is talking to you + be a trustworthy listener (minus) – judging the other person – don’t use that information for your advantage and to use that position to be sarcastic to them. Keep in mind this formula.
I would like to close this episode with the following. When you find something is lacking in you or something that you want to change or improve in yourself, firstly be aware of it and then do something to change.
When you put your mind into what you want for yourself, most of the time it will work out well. I can assure you because it works out for me and thousands and thousands of people around the world. We are all humans, built the same. The only difference between us are how we make use of our mind to attain those we strive for.
See you in the episode. Bye!
In this episode, I will cover the last step in developing your communication skills that is how to be an effective listener.
Why being a good listener is important in your day-to-day communication with people?
Listening is the main point source for you to gain more knowledge about the person you are talking to. Knowing about them, what they had shared with you will make you move one step further in creating a social connection. Yes, being a good speaker to talk to people is important but without a solid listening skill, how can your relationship and communication with the other person you are with be a two-way communication? And most importantly is that if you are not being a good listener, the words you listened to would be misinterpreted by you. And when it is time for you to share the information to pass down to another person, the story could be totally different from the actual which then will be like a mere gossip, rumour and leads to misunderstandings.
Listening skills that I am talking about here would be more to social communication between you and your friends, family members, colleagues, and acquaintances. When I said listen it means that if you are told to summarize what the person just said, you could do it including using the correct tone of voice that fits the same meaning as the message that you received. The points I will share are the basics to set you to make the first few steps.
What are the easiest ways to start building the foundation of your listening skills?
Firstly, identify what is your current position. Are you the type of person who does listen to others or the one who usually do the talking? Even if you do the talking, when it is your turn to keep quiet and listen to the other person, do you listen or you kept interrupting or you just blanked out because it is not important to you? So, the first step is to observe your current status.
Secondly, if you find yourself not able to listen to others speak, find out why. Is it because you have issues understanding the language? Is it because of your concentration level? It could also be your ego and arrogance that is preventing you from listening to what others has to say because for you their experiences might not mean anything in comparison to yours. Or it could be because of other reasons. In this case, you have to know the root cause of why you are unable to listen effectively.
The third point is to sharpen your listening skills. These are some ways that I had learnt by myself over the years. One of them is by learning to listen to song lyrics in music. Usually what I did was when I listened to new songs, what I did for my first take is to capture the lyrics sang by the artists. It should be easy to capture those if you are able to understand through their accents or sometimes they purposely changed the pronunciation to fit the melody. After that, listen to it again but this time check the lyrics. This could be on the 3rd or the 4th listen. This method can also be applied when you watch movies and interviews without reading the subtitles.
The fourth point is when you are in a social setting, educate yourself consciously, be present. During those time, when someone is speaking to you sharing about their stories, learn to listen. When you have something to say while a person is talking to you, tell yourself to shut it off first. Let the person speaks, you on the other hand - listen and understand what she is trying to say. If it is a discussion, give a pause before you add in your view. If you don’t agree, say something like “I get what you meant from your perspective.” Then, you can add in your views or ideas. Also remember that sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you have to share your opinion or perspective in a discussion. Sometimes being quiet is fine. You have to learn to read the room whether it is suitable for you to say anything out loud. When your instinct tells you to keep quiet and stops you from saying something, listen to yourself. Because most of the time, your instinct is right to tell you to keep it cool. This is one of the socializing survival kits that you have to have by default if not you have to train yourself.
Moving on from the basics ways to sharpen your listening skills, how can you be an effective listener which reflects your personality not only as a friend but as an employee or employer or a partner?
Firstly, be present. Be attentive and show compassion when you are there to listen. If a friend or someone you know is not in a good situation, if you don’t know what to do to help, listen first then after that you can find out how to help that person.
Also, one more thing I need to add in this is please keep it to yourself and do not share with another friend especially mutual friends. The reason is because a person sometimes confides in you sharing about their concerns or stories is because they feel comfortable when they speak to you out loud about their problems so, you have to hold that honour and not to be that person who spreads stories around. I have no choice but to highlight this is because in the real world and what I had observed is that in many conflicts doesn’t matter at which phase of your life, in school, at work or even in family, once people pass information from one person to another person, it destroys relationship especially when the tone of voice changes. And you definitely will agree that tone of voice has direct correlation with the message.
The next point is another factor you should take into account which is, don’t add in your story to their story. For instance, you asked your friend to tell the story on why she just left the company she has been working for a decade. So, your friend shared with you her reasons, and her plans after that which is to run her own companies full-time or continue her studies full-time. After she finishes, instead of responding with assurance or congratulations, you replied with, “Oh I want to do the same but I couldn’t because I am stuck with my company and if I want to do maybe at a later stage”. What was that? Do you have to give your perspectives on a conversation like that? Should you insert in your own story for comparisons? No, you should not. And if you are doing it, learn to stop doing that. When you asked someone to tell a story and they did not asked you for your opinion. Keep it to yourself. This time is about her or him not you. If you have your own story in mind, you can share it some other time or with some other people if you cannot hold yourself. You had and will have another opportunities to say it. Show respect to the other person.
The third point is learn to also be self-aware of who you speak to and the kind of person you speak to. Their background, the way they speak to you, who they are, their occupation. Fit your style of communication with what you observed and based on what you listened. Remember that listening is not only about the contents of the conversations. Learn to listen to tone of voice, the hidden meaning if any, indirect comments, sarcasms, body language and any other aspects.
The next point is while you are telling your story, learn to also be attentive to observe the other person’s body language. Listen to their body language. It is a response to the message you are delivering. If you talk to a person, firstly make sure they are having eye contact with you. For instance, when you are sharing your ideas at work and your boss is busy typing his proposal and doing something and not looking at you, please stop. Don’t waste time talking to him. You can either immediately stop talking, or you can say to him “Seems like you are busy. I will come back later when you are available to have a discussion.”
If you are talking to a friend, if he or she is not looking at you most of the time or she kept checking her phone, you can learn to stop immediately or cut the conversation to the end. The things you are saying is not valuable to them but to you it is important. Save it for others who wants to listen.
So, if you are the type of person who talks so much then this is also a good point for you to learn and be aware of the feedbacks especially body language. Doesn’t matter what type of category of personality you are or the type of person you are, you have to learn when to stop talking. Do not give yourself excuses that you cannot. We all come from the same origins for sure you can adapt to situations and not giving excuses that you are that type of person or you are not that type of person. When it comes to respecting others, there is no leeway.
So, when you talk a lot, be attentive to body language of a person you are speaking to. They could be very tired listening to only you talking. This can be seen when they fidget too much or their eyes are already on somewhere else in the room other than you. When their feet or body is pointing towards the exit, those are some signs that you should know and learn to stop talking.
I used to have an ex-colleague from the company’s sales department who talks a lot. If you read Thomas Erikson’s book surrounded by Idiots and Psychopaths, this ex-colleague of mine is in the Yellow category. Every time he talked, he will talked non-stop. At first I can manage to listen to him and casually respond to him. But then, gradually, when I realized that his vessels are empty I decided to change my style whenever he had conversation with me. I will turn only half of my posture to him whenever he comes into my room to tell me something. And I will make sure my hands are on my keyboard and my chair directing towards my computer instead of him. When he tells me something, I will only replied, with “Okay. Noted. Got it.” No more questions. He will leave in less than 2 minutes in comparison to 30 to 60 minutes in my room. So for instance, if you encounter with similar situations in your workplace or your personal conversations with people, you have to know the basics in communication. And then play around with it according to the settings you are in.
Same goes to the earlier example when your friend inserted her story while you are sharing yours. You can stop them and say “I am telling my story which you wanted to know. So, this is about me not you. Please let me finish”. Usually I will go with compromising and be nice but when I noticed that the individuals will not listen to themselves, I will be honest to them. I have heard stories of people sharing about how their friends don’t listen to them or refused to acknowledge them or gaslighting. And for sure this will affect your personal happiness and self-esteem and even relationship with the person. Just remember one thing, focus on your instinct and what it tells you about your comfort level with the individuals. You can change yourself but you do not have control to tell others to change. So, decide based on what you think is right for you and keep moving forward.
And lastly, keep this in mind. The formula for you as a listener, let me say as an effective compassionate listener. Listen with compassion + respect the other party who is talking to you + be a trustworthy listener (minus) – judging the other person – don’t use that information for your advantage and to use that position to be sarcastic to them. Keep in mind this formula.
I would like to close this episode with the following. When you find something is lacking in you or something that you want to change or improve in yourself, firstly be aware of it and then do something to change.
When you put your mind into what you want for yourself, most of the time it will work out well. I can assure you because it works out for me and thousands and thousands of people around the world. We are all humans, built the same. The only difference between us are how we make use of our mind to attain those we strive for.
See you in the episode. Bye!
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