Self-esteem is the fundamental trait that you need to prioritize. When there is an absence of a healthy self-esteem, you will break the entire architecture of your personal identity, confidence and gradually affecting your perception towards your life and your surrounding. Focus on building on it and everything else will follow suit.
These are the core areas that you can focus on when you are building your self-esteem.
18 Tips to Build the Architecture of Your Self-esteem
1. BE SELF-AWARE
Firstly, before you start developing your brain, mind and feelings to shape the way you perceive about yourself, you have to be clearly aware of how you actually feel towards yourself. Not what others tell you how you should be. Not what others tell you who you are. It is more on what is your reaction when others comment to you about things they don't like about you. Are you agreeing with them and start disliking yourself too? Or you totally disagree with them and instead you believe in yourself even more?
Because if you agree and follow what they want, then you are making them control your life. It doesn't matter whether what they said are the truth or not. You have to be self-aware of your behavior and your habits by yourself. You have to acknowledge first, before you decide what to do.
While you are doing that, learn to observe how your thoughts and feelings work together because this will help you understand better why at times you behave a certain way even though it is blatantly inappropriate.
2. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF WITH OTHERS
This is the one and only that will increase your anxiety, and will test your patience. Why? Because you are trying to match your life with your friends, siblings and those other people you see in social media, even though they are not important in your life. They have a different objectives and responsibilities in their life. Stay on your lane and live your own life. Create your own path that you have always wanted since you were a teenager. Always remember that the grass is greener on the other side. Are you willing to sacrifice something that you like, to get what you want like those people you are comparing with?
3. SET GOALS AND BE BRAVE TO DREAM
Create goals in your mind. Set what you want to have, to own, to live by, to experience. Imagine those in your mind and let yourself feel those moments. Don't be afraid to set high goals even though you think it might sound a bit too much. The universe is so vast that nothing is impossible. Remember when you were at school, you thought that you couldn't afford to drive a car? Well, now you do. Remember when you do not have enough money to travel to Europe when you started your first job? Well, you did went to Switzerland recently, didn't you? So, the point is, if you want it, you will get it.
When I was a HR Manager in one of the organisations I used to work in, I will observed how employees behaved, performed at work, spent their time when there was not much tasks to do, how they speak to one another, and their behavior in general. One day, the owner of the company informed me of his concerns related to the performance of the staff as of recent. He observed that they seemed demotivated even though he did gave out generous benefits and flexibility with time at work and all. So, I shared with him about what I had been observing over the years. I had highlighted to him about personal goals. Probably, a number of them had not set their own personal goals so they can keep moving towards it. This has nothing to do with the company's personal goals. Company's personal goals is the responsibility of the owner. What I meant was what they are looking for in their life. Not only earning money to feed the family back home. Not the routine. It is more than that. If they have none, means they will drag themselves everyday to wake up every morning to come to work. Once they cannot imagine where they want themselves to be in the next 5 to 10 years, or 20 years, there is nothing that they will look forward to. And unfortunately, their demotivation will affect the company in some way.
As for the employees who has their own set of mind who knows what they are looking for in the next few years for themselves such as attaining Masters Degree, running their own companies in the future, venturing to work in other companies for career development, looking forward to complete the projects assigned, you can notice the difference in their discipline, overall performance, the way they speak to others, the number of projects they can complete, the way they speak to clients, and their energy in comparison to those who has a narrow perspectives of what they are looking for at that time.
5. READ AND READ
Yes, reading can develop your self-esteem. Why? Because it help you expand your mind to another world instead of just yours. You will learn many new knowledge that will make you be confident with yourself and make you think more in-depth of the situations which is surrounding you. At first you might only find out about the surface of a behavior by reading a few books, then when you start to question how it works and why it works, that is when you will start to be exposed with another set of new genre of books explaining the intricacy. Eventually, you will realized the abundance of opportunities, love and knowledge in this universe that you and I have not even explored.
Reading will also sharpened your conversational, comprehension, writing and analyzing techniques. When you are good at these, you need not worry about your confident to speak to people. You can be thrown in a mass of Aliens, and I bet you that you can make friends with them.
So...why wait? Start reading, again!
6. EXPRESSING YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS
This is a tad bit subjective if you were to ask me, "But what if it is not worth it to express my opinions to them?". Yeah, that is when you have to evaluate before you say anything. At times, the situation and the person we are talking to are not suitable for us to share our opinions to. So, don't.
What I meant here is being brave to say it when something is not right or when a person is saying something without any basis including being disrespectful to you that you feel like they need to learn. Then, if you are someone who is confident with the topic on hand, if you are having a high self-perception towards yourself, you will be more confident to enter into that argument with your own justification. But if not, you will end up keeping quiet and you wish that you have the confidence to reply to her back.
I used to have this problem when I was a teenager and during my mid-20s. Usually, I will stand on my own opinion but personally I don't feel like arguing because at that time I was not confident with the way I communicate to people. I was less confident about my capabilities to speak and write because I feel like I was not good at my English language. Then, what I did was to sharpen my English writing and conversational skills over the years. I have a model in mind that I want to be like that person, and since then I never stopped writing and never stopped telling people what is in my mind.
7. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS WISELY
Be friendly and not arrogant. That is the motto. But be cautious on who you let be in your inner circle of friends. This is important because the people you spend your time with will affect how you perceive yourself. You might be having a healthy self-perception towards yourself, but once someone who kept highlighting the negatives to you such as 'You should do this', or 'You are really dumb', or 'I don't think you deserve that recognition', then these will eventually crumble your walls of confidence. Be with people who has a growth mindset and whenever after you are done having dinner with them, you will leave with a smile on your face looking forward to the next one. Their presence should not be a drag to you.
8. NEVER STOP LEARNING
Once you stop learning, there goes the energy of your brain, withering until it makes you lose hope in life. Find new things to learn and explore. It can be as simple as learning how to edit a video. It can be as simple as learning how to cook. Go, grab something to master. Keep learning new skills.
9. CHANGE HABITS
Discard habitual practices that are not benefiting you in any way. The brain has to evolve. Find new things to try and keep changing your routines.
10. IGNORE OTHERS' NEGATIVE COMMENTS
Yes, I highlighted negative comments. There is no need for you to evaluate once you observe where the message is heading to. Once something is unsettled in your feelings, consider it as not a good thing. No arguments here please.
Why? Because if someone is really concerned with you and your feelings, they will not start the conversation with telling you, "Oh, you look like you gain weight". They can start it with, "Hey,how is life? Is everything doing good?" Which means, if you want to share further, "You know, I feel like I have gained weight..." then, you do it that way. Yeah, don't ask me why these people never think before they speak. I am quite tired writing the same things over and over again to tell my point here.
Recently, I have learnt something from a video posted by @Jordan in Tiktok. She shared that her mum used to remind her since she was young to follow the 5-Second Rule. No, nothing to do about dropping your food on the floor. This rule is more on dropping your unnecessary opinions to people. If you see that a person could not change within 5-Second of that thing you noticed, don't even say it out. Which means if you noticed that the person has gain weight or lose weight, and they cannot change it within 5 seconds, there is no need to tell them. But if you see that his pants is torn, and by informing him, he can make decision to cover it in seconds, then tell him. I think this is a good way to stop ourselves from being insensitive.
11. IGNORE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU
This is another factor that can increase your anxiety and lower your self-esteem. Practicing this might be difficult at first but once you master the art of not caring what people think about you, you will live happily ever after. Anyway, who cares what they think of you? Whenever you have these thoughts, remind yourself these. Did they pay for your school fees? Did they pay for your meals everyday? Are they paying for you to live? No, right? Then, why are you even worried about what they think of you. Unless you want to know whether that girl you like, likes you back and you want to know what she thinks of you, that is a different scenario.
Anyone who makes you uncomfortable being yourself, you have to step back and not allow that person to dominate your life.
12. DON'T CRITICIZE YOURSELF
Why are you condemning each and every mistakes you have done? Acknowledge it to yourself, you made a mistake is fine. But why are you dwelling on everything you had done? You are conditioning your mind to keep telling you that you made a mistake, and kept telling you to regret.
Improve on those so you will not repeat the same mistakes, then move on. And never ever look down on yourself. If you think that the person you like is in love with someone else, don't tell yourself that, 'Ah she chose her is because she is better than I am'. Please, no honey. That is not how it works. You are meant for someone else who will appreciate you because remember that list you have created for yourself? The one that you had listed the type of person you want your partner to be. Yeah, well. That person is still out there. Be patience.
13. DO NOT COMPROMISE WITH DISRESPECTFUL PEOPLE
I decided to add this point here is because this is indirectly going to affect the way you perceived yourself. If that person you are befriending with disrespect others as simple as someone who is working as a waitstaff, that friend will behave the same way with you, eventually. Being with them is reducing your self-worth. And yes, at first it will be you re-evaluating with Yeah, well they treat them that way but not with me, you said to yourself Don't be too oversensitive. Just close one eye. It is a small matter and will be gone soon. It will not.
Whenever you make decisions especially in situations where there are other factors to put in place before you decide, learn to sync your mindset with whatever you feel. If one of it identified it as wrong, keep re-evaluating and you have to be brave to decide what to do with it before your body take full control.
14. STAY FOCUS ON YOUR WELL-BEING
Your life is about you. Any decisions you make, please ask yourself whether you are hurting now and in the long-run. If something is not worth it, hold the decision first, or make the decision right away once you are confident with your evaluation. Doesn't matter who you are dealing with, whether that person is your parents, the love of your life, your siblings, friends, employers, or co-workers. Focus what is the best for you.
16. PRIORITIZE ON YOUR HAPPINESS. DON'T WORRY ON WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK OF YOUR CHOICE
At any point of time when you are trying to achieve greater things for your life, focus on what you want. There are some things that you need to probably do that will not be conditioned to what the society expects you to do, so you have to learn to prioritize. You may want to explore and test the market to be your own boss, building businesses of your own. Then, there will be influx of comments and opinions that you never asked for. And because of that, at times it will affect your own perception whether you are making the right decision. That is why, you have to learn to shut these off immediately without evaluating. These comments are coming from people who are having different set of life, principles and objectives in their life. If you follow what they say, you are living their life. Don't cave in to something that has no correlation with your objective.
Currently, I have been running my businesses full-time after nearly 2 decades working for others. I had to keep this venture low profile especially from my mom. She doesn't know I am doing this just because I want to avoid listening to her opinions and worries of hers (not mine). A friend of mine told me, you should tell her who knows she will be proud of you instead. She told me twice and the recent one was indirectly asking me whether my dad has been to my new office. My dad knows about my adventures but since he did not requested, I did not show him. If I am so worried what my friend's opinion of me will be, I would cave in and tell my mom about it just because we are conditioned to tell our parents everything we do. But because I know why I made that decision, and because I will be the one who is in that position to listen to comments of my mom not my friend, I made a strong stance about my own decision. I really don't care if my friends think of me of anything else. Because this is my life, not hers.
17. NEVER CLOSE ONE EYE ON DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR
I have highlighted this earlier and I am writing the same here.
18. BE BRAVE TO MOVE ON AND KEEP REINVENTING YOURSELF
Stop dwelling on your past and move on. Yes, put in your best courage you have and move on. When I said move on means, stop thinking about the moments you had that made you feel down. Stop thinking about the failures from the past. You have done your share learning from your mistakes and improving on it so you will not repeat the same. Now it is the time to not regret it forever. Move on if you are still clinging to feeling loved towards someone who is not feeling the same way. You will not meet with someone else who is better than her or him if you still cling like a koala. You will not meet your soulmate if you refused to let go of someone who is not meant for you. By the way, I found out that our soulmate is actually ourselves.
This method is possible. I have tried it myself. Even though it took extra one more month than my planned 6 months to forget and let go, in the end it still works. No hatred. Let go with love, but be determined to move on.
To re-post this video and its contents on your website, social media, blogs, YouTube etc, please remember to quote the Author's name, S.Sulianah, and link to her company's website www.grapholistic.com.